^{part 1: words and images by Natty Moher}

Philistine: 1

One mans attempt to win back his ex-girlfriend… and learn art.

            Art, the language of love (or wait… is that French?  Math?).  Boy do I ever loves me some art.  Van Gogh, Escher, that guy who cut his ear off, they all painted some pretty pictures.

            All right, truth time, I don’t really know anything about art.  And by “don’t really know anything about art,” I mean I know absolutely nothing about art.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought about going to art school once.  It’s just I could never draw Tippy the Turtle quite right, he always looked more like the pirate than a turtle.  So I became a writer instead. (If a picture paints a thousand words, what does a thousand words paint?)  Which seemed to work fine for me, until I started dating an Art History Major.

            I’ve always heard that opposites attract, so it’d be safe to assume that a guy who had no interest in art and a girl who was wasting thousands of dollars a year to learn about it would get along – right?  Wrong.  Instead, we broke up (or she heartlessly dumped me, depending on who you ask).  She claims she left me because I was “immature,” and “we both needed to grow as people – individually.”  However, I can read between the lines, and I’ve figured out it must have more to do with the fact that I fell asleep in The National Gallery (how many paintings of flowers is one man expected to look at in an afternoon – answer, over a dozen), and less to do with the fact that I “have no motivation what-so-ever, and our relationship is going nowhere.”

            So, you’re all probably asking yourself “What does this have to do with art, or, more specifically, anything really?” Well, when Tarah approached me about writing something for Wallfarmers I instantly jumped at the opportunity (mainly because I like to hear myself talk – or, rather, see myself write). I then realized what an amazing opportunity this would be to learn about art, and win my girlfriend back.  But then it hit me, what an amazing opportunity this is to learn about art, win my girlfriend back, and launch myself into art world stardom – further impressing my ex-girlfriend.

            I was a little afraid that becoming an artist was going to be a lot of work, but after doing a bit of research I realized that there is an elephant that paints (whom I’m currently trying to get an interview with, though he’s really hard to get a hold of).  I mean, really, if an elephant, which has a brain the size of a peanut can be a famous painter, then I, who has a brain much larger (much, much, larger – like genius size), should become the next Picasso.

           So I’ve done it.  I’ve gone out and bought myself a whole whack of art supplies. (I also bought some turtle necks, and a set of beginners’ French tapes – Bonjour.)  Got myself a ton of canvases.  Signed myself up for life drawing classes. (Who knew fat dudes were so comfortable with their bodies?) And booked myself some gallery space for the end of September, where I will be opening my career retrospective “How I became a world famous artist; an evening of art and love with Nathaniel Moher.” 

            Over the next couple months you’ll see me chronicle my assent from philistine to bohemian (scratch that, I’d like to continue showering, so maybe bohemian is a little too far – I’ll just got with world famous artist) in my series “Philistine: One mans attempt to win back his ex-girlfriend …  and learn art.”  So stay tuned for some learning, some amazing art, and probably the greatest love story ever told.

---